So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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