you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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