I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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