I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
