I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
