Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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