sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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