My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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