I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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