My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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