Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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