When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Sober January is a disaster.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
