make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
