thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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