i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
try to milk me bitch
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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