Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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