Dude my mom stole all your condoms
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
