i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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