i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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