I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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