The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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