if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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