CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
