I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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