remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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