life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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