bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
