I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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