So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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