Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
