My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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