the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
