You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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