So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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