I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
