Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
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