walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
