also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
