farters have to be the big spoon...
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
