mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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