So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
