its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
