I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
