I'm laying in your front yard are you home
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
