apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
you inspire me to be a worse person
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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