she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
