K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
