dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
