She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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