He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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