someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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