i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
