your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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