Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
