Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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